broken and lost

It has been awhile since I last logged in.

Urm...I do not know how to start...
I'm so lost now....and I'm already broken...shattered to pieces...
Yes, I'm being dramatic. How could a human shattered to pieces and yet able to write this out.
The pieces are so tiny miny that it would be gazillion times harder than fixing puzzles.

I'm super tired...mentally tired I guess.
Even doctor said I look really pale...prob coz of menstruation (plus overthinking plus lack of sleep).
You see, when you have a problem, you will think til u fall asleep, and when u wake up, the problem is still there, remain unsolved.
And if you try to drunk yourself and you think it would be ok, but the next day you will get hangover and the problem is still remain unsolved.
And if you think with your friends surround and support you and you think you can do it, but when you're alone, you feel weak and miserable.

If only God could just freeze my heart, or take my heart out without ending my life.
That would be sweet, isn't it? I don't have to know what is pain, sad, happy, excited, etc.
I would become a robot. A soulless human walking in the earth.
Speaking of soulless, reminds me of Edward Cullen. Vampires are weak as human too.
Because they could still fall in love to humans.
Robot is the best thing. It is made out of metals and steels and is being operated by machines and devices.

It is really a bad timing for such thing to happen to me. Coz I have loads of work to be finished asap. LOADS. And yet, I couldn't concentrate fully.
That's a bad thing being a Piscean. They are very emotional.

There is only pros to being emo and bla bla bla...
I get to slim down...
Seriously, I have no appetite at all...
Do you know i love food a lot? Yesterday, I have to forced myself to eat a bowl of rice and vege.
Like really forcing myself to open my mouth and stuff those food in. Chewing with disgust. LOL

Die is an easy way out from all these. That is why you see lots of ppl commit suicide.
But of course I wouldn't do that. Because I have burden. I cannot imagine my family struggle to live without me supporting the family financially, and also...how could I leave Rooney and football? I love them so much... and my beloved friends....they're so important to me...
I know they are supporting me now...
I told them I'm gonna try...
I'm gonna try my best here you know...

Well...I hope i can give my best here...I don't know... *shrug*