I've lost count...

of how many weeks and days we have been like this, or
I have been like this
Bugged by this thing
In my head

It might be easier for others
But not me
Definitely not me
I do not know why

But I'm getting there
Gonna try my best
Letting time wash away
The feeling that does not worth any of my time and my care

I just committed a sin
By cursing him
Because of the way he is making me miserable
It's not healthy to curse someone

I can't help myself
That's what most people do anyway
Revenge and anger
That's the easiest way to make people feel better

But that's not true
It actually makes people feel worse
Because you curse someone you care and love so much
Or should i use past tense?

I don't know
But the feelings still in me
Like I've said
It's only matter of time

Don't Treat Me Like A Fool

Such a old song by my all-time favourite band, Blue.

It's been hard wakin' up, wakin' up to the truth
I've been so blind, couldn't see for love no.
Tried my best to ignore it, wish the pain away
But just like tomorrow, its coming round again.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

Thought I gave you the best, but it wasn't enough
You took advantage of my trusting heart
Tried my best to forgive you, did my best to forget
I am done with the tears and there are no regrets.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

I know I'll be reaching out to touch you in the night
Holding on to the memories, Cos you're not here to hold me tight
You lied when you told me, It hurt to be apart
When all the lying you're doing is in someone else's arms.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

I'm so done!!

Something changes...

It's the 4th week...
And i was doing pretty well on the 3rd week, until the ending of 3rd week...things changed
It was a bad change...

I'm eager to buy a ticket to runaway train...
haha...extracted from soul asylum's runaway train...
After my busy working period, I will be going away for a very very short period...
My job doesn't allow me to take long leave...
I feel like I need to..coz it's going to be one month and I'm not getting any better..
That's very unhealthy...and...kinda unexpected that the impact on me could be this strong..
Never felt like this before...

I need to like go backpacking for months, or at least one month, expose myself to new environment, meeting strangers...
August would be a good start...I hope...
I got 3 slow weeks to go through...

There are times where I thought of my ex-buddy...
He was there for me when I was like this...
He's a really great friend to me..
It's sad that we couldn't maintain our friendship..
I still remember he was the one that intro me Guns n Roses' Don't Cry..
Hahaha...
I miss you, Yan. Actually, WE miss you a lot...You know who WE are...
Damn!! Sounds so emo...

........Nuff

Home for me...

Everyday when I'm alone
When my mind is resting from work
There will be this same feeling crept into my mind
The feeling of missing a buddy
A feeling of missing a friend

When there's nice song
I wanted to share with him
But sadly, I can't

I wanted to tell him I went to Usher concert
I would have brought him along if we were in talking terms

When there are stuffs I wanted to share with him, and couldn't
I come to realise that I've lost a friend, a close friend
It's like there's a hole in my heart
It's worst than anything, losing a close friend because of my stupidity and stubbornness

I wish I can fix this
I don't dare to touch anything
Because I'm afraid that I will damage it deeper
I'm waiting
Waiting for him
To see if he would try to fix us
Fix us back to how we used to be
Fix us back to buddy terms

Life goes on, you know...
No matter what happen in your life..

I called it as D Sunday Depression

This is the third week of Sunday I'm feeling super down...
Yesterday, surprisingly I was feeling down, even though I was with a bunch of friends watching footy in a bar.
I realise...that I can't stay at home everyday...just like today.
Home is giving me depression, and brother's music is annoying. Prob it's because I find it loud.

I wish I was a computer so I can delete stuffs that I do not want to remember.
It's not that I do not want to remember. It's actually sweet memories that I do want to keep it.
But, those memories are torturing me.
It's just like how Bella reacted when Edward left her. Well...I wasn't as dramatic as the movie.
And I do realise that crying would make me feel better. The issue is, I got no tears already.
Tears won't come down in the third week. Maybe u would assume, hey I'm doing alright.
But the truth is, I am not.
I still can feel the suffer in me. Just that I can handle better than the last two weeks.

They said it's all in my head. If I want to do it, then the prob will solve as time goes by.
If I keep saying I can't, then my prob will remain unsolved. My torturous days would keep going.
Shit! Can't believe this is the third week. Eh, on second thought, it's just the end of second week.
Third week is starting this Monday.
Wow! Time is passing by so slow.
You know, I really really just want to lie down and do nothing. I want no distraction. I want to be in a room with me, myself and I.
I just want quiet. I do not want people asking me whether have I taken my lunch or dinner.

I wonder if eating a tub of ice cream will make you feel better?
I doubt so coz I am not craving for ice cream, but alcohol.
Why most people will opt for alcohol?
Speaking from my own experience, it's because alcohol is my best friend when it comes to sadness. Errr....doesn't make sense at all...
I wouldn't say alcohol wash away my problems... Because I know damn well that the problem will still be there the next day.
Fuck! I'm seriously fucked up!
Just because of.....and my life is all screwed up. FML!!
How can I be this weak? How can I?

Aaargh!!! I do not want problem. Just go away......

Regrets and Mistakes

I do not know how to begin...
Let's start of by saying how much I miss you..
How much stuffs I would want to share with you...
And today, I got confirmation letter from my employer...and also some incentive...
I'm happy and glad. And then I realise I am not able to share this with you.
Thanks to my stupidity and overconfidence that the outcome would be positive.
Well....how do a person mend mistake?
I would like to mend the damage that I had done.
I do not know how and even if I do know, I doubt I would be forgiven as I have gone too far.

You know, I promise you that I would celebrate with you once your result is out, and I'm always have confidence in you. You're gonna do alright.
You know, I also promise you that we would go shopping after you and my busy period.
Sadly, I won't be able to do that with you.

There is not a day that I was not thinking of you, thinking of the time we hang out together...
It was really really tough on the first week, trying to adjust my daily life without you... was sad, disappointed and angry.
2nd week my emotion was pretty much unstable.
This week, my emotions is much stable and it's more on reflecting what I had done, or should had done...

Lately, I just cannot live without friends around me...
I need them... and probably I've bored them...
What to do...for a short period of time, I have been spending my time with you. Now I need some sort like a replacement for my weekend.
I do not know when I will recover, or will I recover, or do I want to recover?
You know, when i put my heart and soul and emotions into one thing, I'm dead loyal. In other words, stubborn.

Anyway, enough bout me. Tonight should be about you.
Do you know I always wonder how you are doing. Whether you can cope with your workload and study at the same time?
Do you still go to classes now?
Do you have any problem that you would like to share with me? I may not be good in advising, but I can always lend my ears to you. And you know that I will always be there for you when you need me, as a friend.

I'm 99% sure that nobody would read this. And I'm sure you wouldn't know the existence of my blog.
Sigh~ what should be my next step?